Time and Reason

Everything changes; it's exciting; lovely; such an alluring part of life. Everything happens for some reason. Everything will work out; it will be such a beautiful ending to an adventurous tale.

When things feel awful it's hard to see the outcome. It's hard to stay positive; stretch our limbs to the sky each day. People leave, we leave; it's always hard because you think: why didn't they love me? what did I do wrong? do they care? what about me? You let those questions, each question, hollow you out a little more until your body is the heaviest hollow there could be. You can feel the question, each question, ache in different parts. Why didn't they love me, how could they love someone more? It aches in your belly, keeps you from eating. What did I do wrong? Your constant retelling of every moment spent together, analyzing, it aches your whole skull. Do they care? The thought that they don't care, that they don't think about your needs or worries or wants, well that aches in all the limbs. These aches make us weak, they keep us in bed fearing sleep. They keep us from telephones, from computers, from friends...because, 'why did they leave, why did they leave ME?'

We are self centered by nature. People exist in our lives because they are menat to. Each person, lovely or awful. They exist for exactly the amount of time they should. They teach us things. Little things, extraordinary things about ourselves, our lives, the everything around us. That doesn't make it easier to say goodbye. It doesn't make it easier to think that they have finished their task, made you stronger; we must be strong...we must be strong. You exist and that is extraordinary.

I saw this on a random blog that I follow, awhile back. I recently came across it again and got thinking about how applicable this has been to my life, in a variety of circumstances. Of course, the big one that comes to mind, thinking back three years ago - this was me. I was a wreck. Every last part of me was a disaster, working through pieces of my life, "post-Owen; post-engagement". I was in the middle of an intense semester at grad school - couldn't think, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat (yes, it was the best diet plan I've ever had...so much to the point, I had doctors at work asking if I was sick or if I was okay). I was so unhappy and basked in that sorrow and pity and pain. Thinking back now, I pity myself; I feel sorry for that girl I think about. It's so important to keep the advice given above in perspective - there is a time and a reason for everything; each person that walks into your life is there for a purpose - it is okay to eventually say goodbye, despite how difficult it may be. A friend asked me night before last if this situation, for lack of better words, still bothered me or if I was still in love with Owen. After putting some thought in to my answer, I think for the first time in the past three years, I was able to admit how much I cared for Owen and how I honestly hope he is happy and wish him the best, despite any wrong doing. While I am not in love with him anymore, he, like any person you deeply care for at one point or another during your lifetime, will always have a special place in my heart.