I am so sick of the heavy rain here lately...does this count as finding beauty in the ugliest of days? It sure gave me a good hard laugh! I wish I had an umbrella like this! haha

Yes, yes...this is most definitely how I feel today! Must be that hurricane weather comin' on!

Addiction

Sensational. Spine-tingling. The stuff legends really are made of. Amy Winehouse's voice is charged with pain and her jazzy delivery serves to deepen the sense of soul and personality. It is an emotional sucker punch. She's got such an incredible voice! One of my favorites, actually.



Her personal problems were legendary - especially her addictions to alcohol and drugs. My friend, John, posted this to his facebook, "My work as a substance abuse counselor grants me daily insight, awareness, and compassion regarding the constant struggle, deep pain and, at times, seemingly insurmountable battle of addiction. Until we have walked in those shoes, let us not cast condemnation..." I think we are all too quick to judge the addict. What a sad life many of them live. However, I hope to one day see more success in programs and more support to those that suffer addictions. I have had the wonderful opportunity to teach and counsel people that are substance abusers - their pain and suffering is tangible. They are human beings that made an honest mistake that spiraled out of control. I am grateful for my time I have spent with these human beings. Most of them are wonderful people that have hopes and dreams - just like we all do.

The infamy overtook the artistry and this young artist seemed unable to get well enough to live up to the legend she had become. Such a pity to see such a young life fall to addictions. Rest in peace, Amy Winehouse. Thank you for sharing your talents.

Someone else's thought

I was recently blog stalking (I know, I know) and came across some random person's blog that I don't know, but I LOVED what she had written. I am not taking credit, but don't know who the girl is, so can't really give her much credit (other than I assume she is Lauren, or that person she calls Lauren in this post), but I really like what she's written...makes me want to email her and be friends with her - my thoughts exactly, but since she puts it so beautiful already, I am just going to repost! Thank you, Lauren, or nameless girl I don't know!

dear world:

for the past 9 months i have totally taken you for granted... but on the other hand... i had my own little world i needed to figure out. gasping in this microcosm for breaths of air coming from outside of the saturated bubble of people who actually know what the word REAL means... i seriously thought i was going to be stuck in a place where people thrive off of trends... a constant competition of who has the latest urban wear... the newest accessories they claim to be what's "in"... and their tongue speaks that of what they only want others to hear.... blah. get me outta here! uh yeah i will admit.... and be the first.... who doesn't wanna feel cool? who doesn't wanna be loved? who doesn't wanna be talked about in facebook chats and/or wall posts? but one thing i have learned... i'd rather be known for influencing somebody's life by helping them recognize their inner soul, rather than be known for wearing a retro/vintage blazer at "the loft". i'd rather be known as the girl people wanna take a walk with... rather than the girl people facebook stalk because she "clearly" knows the coolest people... only shops at nordstroms.... and is tagged in every utah county dance party known to man....

some people think that when people go off on rages like this they are just jealous... that they wish they really had what they mock? sure i guess some would? but world.... do you wanna know why i love lauren? because i can be by myself all day and feel like i accomplished so much just by knowing who lauren really is. i can honestly look in the mirror and smile because i like what i see.... and i'm not talking about physical... i'm actually proud of who i'm becoming. i feel like as i continue to dig deep... my whole self is becoming more and more radiant... the more i dig the more i find... the more i find the more i learn.... the more i learn the more i grow... and the more i grow the more i expand into something extravagant. my hope and prayer is that day by day i can reach out to others and help them realize what i am learning to see each and every day.

i enjoy the moments in my day where i get to pick apart my feelings, and evaluate why my mind reacted to what i felt. i get WAY to caught up in my mind and sometimes it takes me a while to realize how powerless i really am over other people's thoughts, stupid decisions, and even when i see those i love most putting on masks to role play who they think society wants them to be... it's hard... something so simple brings me back to home plate...."god... grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change... the courage to change the things i can... and the wisdom to know the difference..." the disease of codependency is sooooo real... i need to make a post solely on my story of a family addiction.... 

Grandparents

I started this on 2/16/2011, when my Grandpa was put on hospice. I wanted to add a picture before publishing, but clearly have never gotten around to scanning any....so here it is 5 months later. As I read through this though, I thought of my trip to Utah last weekend and listening to Grandma "Weez" and how depressed she is. She not only is getting up there in age and is unable to do the things that she once was able to do, which I think would be depressing in and of itself, she also is feeling the loneliness of Grandpa (and me) not being around. It's sad to listen to her. I wish there was more that I could do...

2/16/2011
This whole emotional saga has brought up some sharp memories of the 3 year span between my Grandma Staley passing and when my Grandpa Staley finally passed. Grandma seemed to leave so quickly, I hardly remember her being down and out. But oh do I remember the morning she left us - the first of my Grandparents. Mom came and woke me and Steve up while it was still dark outside, (probably around 5am?) to let us know. I think they waited until the other three woke up on their own before telling them. It was heart-wrenching to watch Grandpa those following months and years though. His pain was emotional - he missed her terribly and wanted nothing but to be "put in his hole next to her". Sadly those are actually the last words I remember him saying to me. I unfortunately was in the middle of nowhere, off the coast of Italy - Sardinia, to be exact - when he passed. Unable to make it back for his funeral or the last week he was around, I was very grateful that I had taken advantage of the afternoon before I left for Italy to spend with him. It was hard being away from my family through that. I was grateful that I was surrounded by my Clog America family that was supportive until I reached my (at-the-time) fiance, who held me up and emotionally supported me until I was able to make it home and have some closure, with family. Closure for Grandpa Staley was difficult for me to find. After talking things over a lot with my dad and uncle, I decided it was best for me to stay in Sardinia and not attempt to make it home for the funeral. As much as I hate funerals, they are good at offering some closure, which I never realized until this situation. I searched for that closure for some time after coming home. I think it came collectively - I watched my dad mourn, we talked, I sat in their lonely house as my mom would clean it out and organize their valuables. Eventually that closure came. I am not sure when or how, but it came and I was at peace. There is a moment mixed into that time period though that I don't share with many, because it is so close to my heart that it still brings tears to my eyes. The day I got home from Italy, we went and dedicated Grandpa's grave. They had waited for me to do that part (usually done at the burial service by those of the LDS faith, but was not done, since Grandpa's funeral was conducted by his Presbyterian Pastor...so Dad did this later on). Afterward, my mom asked me if I wanted to go to their house. I said yes, but I wanted to go alone, with just the two of them. For some reason, I didn't want all the other siblings going. We wandered through the house for a bit and then mom and I got looking through a few things in the kitchen and the back green-house/patio area. After awhile I realized that Dad had been MIA for quite some time. I found him upstairs, in his old bedroom, crying. He came down when he was ready and we went to leave. We hadn't made it halfway out of the driveway before a bit of an argument erupted. Dad wanted to know why mom had put the flower box (yes, the one that was on the side of the house, decaying) in the garbage. After mom had explained herself, Dad got even more upset, "you can't just throw that stuff away - my dad made that, with his own two hands!". Dad lost it. He is such a gentle man, with so much emotion. Watching my dad mourn not just the loss of his father at that moment, but of both of his parents, still brings a tear to my eye today. I dread the day...

I never published this post that I started a few months back (like most of my posts that I started between Jan and June). I want to work on putting them all on my site though and catch things up a bit. So if some of my posts seem a bit out of order or even out of date, that is because they are!

Today was Grandpa's funeral. What an emotional day. I think holding back my emotions for so many weeks caused an even bigger issue for my tear glands today. They couldn't keep it in any longer. My eyes were already so puffy from last night, but then somehow I ended up the one sitting by Grandma during the funeral. Maybe this was a good thing, since she and I have shared a lot over the last year...I know she is comfortable with me and we have a special bond, but it was almost a cruel things to do to one another! Neither one of us could hold it together during the song that the whole family sang, Always (Frank Sinatra). She wasn't supposed to sing it, but she wanted to.

I'll be lovin' you, always

With a love that's true, always

When the things you've planned need a helpin' hand

I will understand always, always

Days may not be fair, always

That's when I'll be there, always

Not for just an hour, not for just a day

Not for just a year, but always

Days may not be fair, always

That's when I'll be there, always

Not for just an hour, not just a day

Not for just one year but always

Always

Always

All the time

Making her grand entrance!

Me and my baby sis

Never a Larsen event without the strings!

WWII Veteran

When the flag was presented to Grandma

Me, Grandma, and my great Aunt Virgie

Larsen kids

Staley family

We color coordinated really well!

He learns from the best of us!

Such a ladies' man!

His funeral was definitely a celebration of his wonderful and exemplary life. It was also a great excuse to be able to have the Larsen family all in one place. I am very close with the cousins my age and it was nice to be able to all be together and share some quality time together. 

Brunch (the morning after the funeral) with a few cousins

To end, another Frank Sinatra song, because I think it is fitting to Grandpa...what a great life he lived! His exit was beautiful - quietly with Shirl and Grandma by his side, but with all of his children and many grandchildren close by within hours before he left us and the home filled with lots of reminiscing of childhood memories of him and lovely music. He was very thankful to everyone and graciously expressed that until he could no longer say anything at all. I am so grateful to have been blessed with such a wonderful person in my life and the opportunity I had to live with him and be with him while he was moving on to the next life! 

And now the end is near

And so I face the final curtain

My friend I'll say it clear

I'll state my case of which I'm certain

I've lived a life that's full

I traveled each and every highway

And more, much more than this

I did it my way

Regrets I've had a few

But then again too few to mention

I did what I had to do

And saw it through without exemption

I planned each charted course

Each careful step along the byway

And more, much more than this

I did it my way

Yes there were times I'm sure you knew

When I bit off more than I could chew

But through it all when there was doubt

I ate it up and spit it out, I faced it all

And I stood tall and did it my way

I've loved, I've laughed and cried

I've had my fill, my share of losing

And now as tears subside

I find it all so amusing

To think I did all that

And may I say not in a shy way

Oh no, oh no, not me

I did it my way

For what is a man what has he got

If not himself then he has not

To say the things he truly feels

And not the words of one who kneels

The record shows I took the blows

And did it my way

Yes it was my way

Love you so much, Grandpa!

Pushing Elephants

“The most beautiful people we have known are those who have known defeat, known suffering, known struggle, known loss, and have found their way out of the depths. These persons have an appreciation, a sensitivity, and an understanding of life that fills them with compassion, gentleness, and a deep loving concern. Beautiful people do not just happen.”  Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

I LOVE this quote...I mean absolutely love it! The first thing that instantly came to mind while reading it, was a documentary I saw last summer while I was at the Global Health Conference here in DC. It always blows my mind when I see/hear of someone overcome an unbearable past and then become an advocate for others, in a similar situation. I saw this documentary though and not one person walked out with a dry eye! Incredibly powerful! 

Premise of the movie:

In the late 1990s, Rose Mapendo lost her family and home to the violence that engulfed the Democratic Republic of Congo. She emerged advocating forgiveness and reconciliation. In a country where ethnic violence has created seemingly irreparable rifts among Tutsis, Hutus and other Congolese, this remarkable woman is a vital voice in her beleaguered nation’s search for peace. Now, Rose is confronted with teaching one her most recalcitrant students how to forgive—Nangabire, the daughter who remained behind.

When war came to Rose’s village, she was separated from her five-year-old daughter, Nangabire. Rose managed to escape with nine of her ten children and was eventually resettled in Phoenix, Arizona. Over a decade later, mother and daughter are reunited in the US where they must face the past and build a new future.

Rose struggles to find balance in her life as a mother of ten and a full-time advocate for refugees. She is the co-founder for Mapendo New Horizons, a humanitarian organization named in Rose’s honor that protects and cares for forgotten refugees. Her speaking engagements have her traveling around the world from the White House to the UNHCR in Geneva to peace talks in Goma, Congo.

Meanwhile Nangabire, now seventeen, must adapt to America and discover how she fits into the sprawling Mapendo family. As mother and daughter get to know one another, they must come to terms with a painful past, and define what it means to be a survivor, a woman, a refugee and an American.

Through this intimate family portrait unfolding against the wider drama of war, we will explore the long-term and often hidden effects of war on women and families, particularly those in traditional societies—financial despair, increased susceptibility to rape, and social ostracism. Pushing The Elephant will capture one of the most important stories of our age, a time when genocidal violence is challenged by the moral fortitude and grace of one woman’s mission for peace.

Time and Reason

Everything changes; it's exciting; lovely; such an alluring part of life. Everything happens for some reason. Everything will work out; it will be such a beautiful ending to an adventurous tale.

When things feel awful it's hard to see the outcome. It's hard to stay positive; stretch our limbs to the sky each day. People leave, we leave; it's always hard because you think: why didn't they love me? what did I do wrong? do they care? what about me? You let those questions, each question, hollow you out a little more until your body is the heaviest hollow there could be. You can feel the question, each question, ache in different parts. Why didn't they love me, how could they love someone more? It aches in your belly, keeps you from eating. What did I do wrong? Your constant retelling of every moment spent together, analyzing, it aches your whole skull. Do they care? The thought that they don't care, that they don't think about your needs or worries or wants, well that aches in all the limbs. These aches make us weak, they keep us in bed fearing sleep. They keep us from telephones, from computers, from friends...because, 'why did they leave, why did they leave ME?'

We are self centered by nature. People exist in our lives because they are menat to. Each person, lovely or awful. They exist for exactly the amount of time they should. They teach us things. Little things, extraordinary things about ourselves, our lives, the everything around us. That doesn't make it easier to say goodbye. It doesn't make it easier to think that they have finished their task, made you stronger; we must be strong...we must be strong. You exist and that is extraordinary.

I saw this on a random blog that I follow, awhile back. I recently came across it again and got thinking about how applicable this has been to my life, in a variety of circumstances. Of course, the big one that comes to mind, thinking back three years ago - this was me. I was a wreck. Every last part of me was a disaster, working through pieces of my life, "post-Owen; post-engagement". I was in the middle of an intense semester at grad school - couldn't think, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat (yes, it was the best diet plan I've ever had...so much to the point, I had doctors at work asking if I was sick or if I was okay). I was so unhappy and basked in that sorrow and pity and pain. Thinking back now, I pity myself; I feel sorry for that girl I think about. It's so important to keep the advice given above in perspective - there is a time and a reason for everything; each person that walks into your life is there for a purpose - it is okay to eventually say goodbye, despite how difficult it may be. A friend asked me night before last if this situation, for lack of better words, still bothered me or if I was still in love with Owen. After putting some thought in to my answer, I think for the first time in the past three years, I was able to admit how much I cared for Owen and how I honestly hope he is happy and wish him the best, despite any wrong doing. While I am not in love with him anymore, he, like any person you deeply care for at one point or another during your lifetime, will always have a special place in my heart.

Emotions of change...

I am terrible at updating this lately! For those of you that did not know, one month ago I accepted a job offer as a Global Health Specialist with APHL (The Association of Public Health Labs). I have been very excited to get back into the global realm of public health, after working for PAHO. Thursday was my first day and thus far it's been great! I really miss the girls at UDOH (aka the "Beaver Dam") and teaching sex ed and risk reduction type of stuff, but I am excited for what is ahead of me!

That being said, what an emotional couple of weeks! I never thought leaving Utah would be so emotional for me. I have found myself breaking down in tears left and right for the past 3 weeks! For the longest time, majority of the reason I wanted to leave was because I didn't have any really close friends that were single, which meant I rarely had anyone to go out with. I've always had a group of close friends, but they have been spread out, living elsewhere, or have been in serious relationships. Within the last month or so, about the same time I was offered a job in DC, all of my friends have moved out of their boyfriends' places and my other close friend moved back to Utah. I have also reconnected with a few old friends and met a lot of new, great people lately. I know most of these friends, especially my girlfriends, will always be around and will always be there for me, but it has still made for a very difficult and lonely move! Thankfully to my best friend, I am very mobile right now, with my flight benefits, and can always make a quick trip back to Utah to visit...which I plan to do on a variety of occasions throughout the summer!

Tonight one of my best friends (who I met in grad school) called, out of the blue...it was a little bit after midnight my time, but was my saving grace for the night, right as I was feeling a bit down. I stayed in tonight and was feeling lonely and bad that I wasn't out and about, prowling around town with my best girlfriends. How she always knows the perfect time to reach out to me, I'll never know...but I love that girl and am so glad that she will always be in my life! Can't wait to make monthly visits to St Louis to visit you, Miss Scarlett!

The other really hard part about leaving Utah was leaving Grandma! The night before I left, we just hung out in her bedroom, talking and crying. It was hard to leave her, knowing how lonely she's been feeling lately. I think springtime has been hard for her, with the nice weather and not having Grandpa to sit in the yard with. I look out the window occasionally and see her sitting by herself in the front yard. It breaks my heart and I wish I could do more for her. She told me before I left, how much I will be missed; we've been through a lot together the past 2 years - her ER visit, her surgery and recovery, Grandpa's illness and passing...lots of raw emotions. She has really appreciated having someone in the house, even though we don't always spend the time together when we are both there, but it's been nice for her to feel less lonely and like the house isn't as empty. It made me feel bad I was leaving.

Onward and upward though, right?! Ugh...how can something that is supposed to be so great leave me feeling so blue :(

Someone Like You

I love Adele's most recent popular tune. I love what she says at the beginning of this clip. I think we have all felt that moment of despair when it comes to relationships. Those moments of despair are always what change us and oftentimes make us better people. I ponder on her exact words a lot! I think about people I've been in love with...how would I treat them down the road if I were to see them again. Would I be able to walk up and carry out a conversation and be cordial? Or would I turn my back and run like hell, hoping that person doesn't see me before I am able to escape? I would like to think that I could take the higher road and be a decent person. However, sometimes people leave you in rotten situation, people do terrible things to you, leaving a bad taste in your mouth and other times it may just be a more simple heartbreak. I often think about running into my ex-fiance. The way things ended left me in a pit of the most awful feelings in the world. I can't even begin to explain the despair I felt and the pain I struggled through to make myself happy. The vast amounts of weight loss, the lakes of tears that were cried, the anxiety and countless hours of lost sleep thinking about it all, not to mention the debt that was left in my name. What would I do if I saw him? I wish I could say that I would be excited to see how he is, how life has been so good to him...but it's the opposite, I feel that I would probably run. I am glad he doesn't live close. However, there are other men that I have fallen for that I do truly wish nothing but the best for! The most recent at the top of the list! Sometimes its something more simple...distance, that keeps you apart. It doesn't discount that he is still one of the most amazing, inspiring, sincere, and wonderful men I have ever met! He is one I would never run from, like my ex-fiance, and one that I would always wish the best for. I think that is where this song has most meaning lately...it will work out sooner or later with him, or I would only want to find another best person...someone else like him and wish him the very, very best in life (because he deserves it)!

I feel occasionally that I relate to Adele, when she describes the feeling of running into that person down the road and they have moved on, with kids and a beautiful wife, and she is still on her own. I am okay being independent and alone. I have listened to my friends battling the depths of a bad relationships and horrifying divorces. I would rather be single forever than to have to go through what some of my closest friends have been through. However, I think about what it's like to be in love, with someone that is wonderful...I wish I had that sometimes. Anyway, just food for thought. Enjoy the song! I love Adele and love this beautiful tune!



I heard that you're settled down.
That you found a girl and you're married now.
I heard that your dreams came true.
Guess she gave you things I didn't give to you.
Old friend why are you so shy?
It ain't like you to hold back or hide from the light.

I hate to turn up out of the blue, uninvited.
But I couldn't stay away I couldn't fight it.
I'd hoped you'd see my face,
And that you'd be reminded that for me it isn't over.

Nevermind I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me I beg
I remember you said: "Sometimes it lasts in love,
but sometimes it hurts instead"
Sometimes it lasts in love,
but sometimes it hurts instead yeah.

You'd know how the time flies.
Only yesterday was the time of our lives.
We were born and raised in a summery haze.
Bound by the surprise of our glory days.

I hate to turn up out of the blue uninvited
But I couldn't stay away I couldn't fight it.
I'd hoped you'd see my face & that you'd be reminded
That for me it isn't over yet.

Nevermind I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me I beg
I remember you said: "Sometimes it lasts in love,
but sometimes it hurts instead"

Nothing compares
no worries or cares.
Regrets and mistakes they're memories made.
Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste?

Nevermind I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me I beg,
I remembered you said: "Sometimes it lasts in love,
but sometimes it hurts instead"

Nevermind I'll find someone like you.
I wish nothing but the best for you too.
Don't forget me I beg,
I remembered you said: "Sometimes it lasts in love,
but sometimes it hurts instead"
Sometimes it lasts in love,
but sometimes it hurts instead

Rest in peace, Grandpa

I have such good brothers, you know that? I have always been very close with my two brothers. I can think of some of the times when I have had very difficult moments, emotionally. My brothers are always there for me. It's soothing. They each have their wife, but they are always standing there, ready to hold me up at just the right time, when I am wishing that I had a significant other, like them, to hold me up for just a minute when I really need it.

Tonight was Grandpa's viewing. I have supressed my feelings, overall, all week. I knew the moment I looked at pictures and waited to see him (which I wasn't really sure I wanted to, since I'm not a fan of open-casket viewings), I would be a goner! Sure enough. I spent a few moments looking at the photo display my mom put together and even though I had seen all the pictures a million times, there was one imparticular...nothing special, just a candid shot, that really got me going. I turned around and my little brother was standing there...almost like he was waiting for my moment of vulnerability to kick in and I collapsed in his embrace. About the time I pulled myself together and he walked away, I walked into the room and for some reason the flood gates opened once again. As they did, my older brother I suppose saw me or could just sense that I needed someone, as I stood there alone. I cried. And cried. And now I am getting teary-eyed, thinking of it. Why is it so hard to let go of someone, when you are glad they have gone and are at peace? So many great memories of Grandpa and it was nice to see him at peace tonight, even though I don't really think it looked much like him.

This song was one I heard numerous times in New Orleans, the weekend my Grandpa passed...it made me tear up every time I heard it!

Some glad morning when this life is o'er,
I'll fly away;
To a home on God's celestial shore,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away).

I'll fly away, Oh Glory
I'll fly away; (in the morning)
When I die, Hallelujah, by and by,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away).

When the shadows of this life have gone,
I'll fly away;
Like a bird from prison bars has flown,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away)

I'll fly away, Oh Glory
I'll fly away; (in the morning)
When I die, Hallelujah, by and by,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away).

Just a few more weary days and then,
I'll fly away;
To a land where joy shall never end,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away)

I'll fly away, Oh Glory
I'll fly away; (in the morning)
When I die, Hallelujah, by and by,
I'll fly away (I'll fly away).

A bucket of tears

Sometimes not even a good, hard cry will fix things or make them better...and sometimes not even a whole evening of laying in bed with Grandma, crying together, will help either. The price of free rent at Grandma and Grandpa's is now being paid at a high rate, with my emotions. Living here the past three weeks has been hard, to say the least. My heart can't take anymore. I feel so selfish saying that though, like I am the only one having a difficult time watching Grandpa slowly and painfully die. It is one thing to lose someone you love and care about, it is a completely different experience though having the whole situation integrated as part of your daily life.

I took a few days off last week to do some job hunting in DC and felt as guilty as a parent must feel, leaving their infant behind while vacationing. I came back feeling a little bit lighter than when I had left, emotionally speaking. However, after watching Grandma break down sobbing tonight, my heart aches and feels heavier than ever. She has been so upbeat and positive the past 3 weeks during this rapid decline in Grandpa's health - joking that she hopes he doesn't expect her to follow him too quickly because she wants to party some more and she has been finding the strength to do all she can for her life-long lover and friend. She has been so strong, mustering up everything that she has left to give to him. I laid in her twin bed with her while she went through the emotions and realization that it is time for Grandpa to go. The decision was made today between Harold and Grandpa, to bring hospice in tomorrow, as the pain is too great for Grandpa to bear any longer. I presume they may give him some morphine, which I imagine will be enough for him to slip into a peaceful sleeping coma...who knows though. I am not sure he will last the week, although I thought that a month ago and he's still here. This time it is different though and I think we all know it. It is hard to see him suffer, confused and, at times, gasping for air. I cannot believe how quickly he has gone down hill; it has been so hard to watch.

Grandpa's health quickly plunged a few weeks ago,on a Thursday evening shortly after I walked in the house, after spending an hour in my car, talking on the phone to a friend in Baltimore. Thoughts of my rather lengthy and emotional conversation quickly escaped me as I realized Grandpa was grasping for air and was beginning to cry as he walked into his bedroom. Shoeing away anyone that came close to the room, I think out of embarrassment, he welcomed me in to wipe away his tears. I am not sure why he was okay with me being in there, but it made me feel special. I sat with him for about an hour that night, until Harold made it to the house; I let him take over from there. Things have not been the same since. There was a 2 week period following that Thursday night where I didn't see him awake once. I am grateful he's been able to sleep so much, but feel sad that his suffering isn't over yet. Tonight, after Grandma was able to spend some time alone, talking with him, Shirl and I sat in there while Grandpa expressed his love and appreciation and Grandma talked until Grandpa dozed off. It felt....peaceful, despite the river of tears streaming down each of our faces.  

Hence, there is a time to go ahead and a time to stay behind.

There is a time to breathe easy and a time to breathe hard.

There is a time to be vigorous and a time to be gentle.

There is a time to gather and a time to release.

Can you see things as they are

And let them be all on their own?

~ Lao-tzu

Yup, this is totally how I feel about Valentine's day (single or attached). I think it is silly to have a "holiday" to celebrate your love for someone. Shouldn't that be done every day of the year? I don't know. I do have to say though that after helping my friend's boyfriend surprise her tonight and seeing her melt into his arms and appear to be so excited by such a great surprise, I was slightly envious I didn't have a date of some sort. I don't admit to that very often, even if it's something I am feeling. I think part of that could be the high emotions taking their toll on me lately - between everything going on at home, with Grandpa, to my most recent "heart-break" left in Baltimore, just to be friend for now (yes, one more reason to push for a big/permanent move back to D.C.). Anyway, such is life. I am a big girl and have my big girl panties on...spending the rest of my so-called romantic night writing cover letters and hitting the sack early, so I can get up and get to the gym.

Hidden Rules Among Classes

I thought this clip of "hidden rules among classes," posted by the Deseret News was really interesting. Just something to think about; something to be said about the simplicity of life. One of the greatest lesson I've learned in life, from my travels to developing countries. I remember sitting in a remote village in Ghana, after a day of Malaria testing, watching three girls that were about 15-17 years old. I remember thinking how simple their lives appeared to be, compared to what I pictured any teen of about the same age back home, in the US. These girls weren't worried about what car they got to drive when they turned 16; they weren't worried about make up, nail polish, their luscious locks of bleached-out hair; they sat in a circle playing a game, snickering at every young teenage boy that walked by. You could see their happiness radiating in their smiles and eyes. It was beautiful; honestly. I envied them as I sat and watched them. They really knew what life was about...family, friends, and finding happiness in such simple things. The "Poverty" rules here have such a great perspective, in my opinion! Yes, there are rules that are under each class that I like and dislike, thinking of myself personally. However, I think this chart is quite accurate in a lot of ways...makes me think that sometimes we, majority of which are middle to wealthy-classed people, have a skewed perspective. I don't know. Just something to think about, right?

	POVERTY	MIDDLE CLASS	WEALTH
POSSESSIONS	People.	Things.	One-of -a-kind objects, legacies, pedigrees.
MONEY	To be used, spent.	To be managed.	To be conserved, invested.
PERSONALITY	Is for entertainment. Sense of humor is highly valued.	Is for acquisition and stability. Achievement is highly valued.	Is for connections. Financial, political, social connections are highly valued.
SOCIAL EMPHASIS	Social inclusion of people he/she likes.	Emphasis is on self-governance and self-sufficiency.	Emphasis is on social exclusion.
FOOD	Key question: Did you have enough? Quantity important.	Key question: Did you like it? Quality Important.	Key question: Was it presented well? Presentation important.
CLOTHING	Clothing valued for individual style and expression of personality.	Clothing valued for its quality and acceptance into norm of middle class. Label important.	Clothing valued for its artistic sense and expression. Designer important.
TIME	Present most important. Decisions made for moment based on feelings or survival.	Future most important. Decisions made against future ramifications;	Traditions and history, most important. Decisions mode partially on basis of tradition and decorum.
EDUCATION	Valued and revered as abstract but not as reality.	Crucial for climbing success ladder and making money.	Necessary tradition for making and maintaining connections.
DESTINY	Believes in fate. Cannot do much to mitigate chance.	Believes in choice. Can change future with good choices now.	Noblesse oblige.
LANGUAGE	Casual register. Language is about survival.	Formal register. Language is about negotiation.	Formal register. Language is about networking.
FAMILY STRUCTURE	Tends to be matriarchal.	Tends to be patriarchal.	Depends on who has money.
WORLD VIEW	Sees world in terms of local setting	Sees world in terms of notional setting.	Sees world in terms of international view.
LOVE	Love and acceptance conditional based upon whether individual is liked.	Love and acceptance conditional and based largely upon achievement.	Love and acceptance conditional and related to social standing and connections.
DRIVING FORCES	Survival, relationships, entertainment.	Work, achievement.	Financial, political, social connections.
HUMOR	About people and sex.	About situations.	About social faux pas.

Source: Ruby Payne

Haiti on my mind...

Haiti, mon pays
Wounded mother I'll never see
Ma famille set me free
Throw my ashes into the sea

Mes cousins jamais nes
Hantent les nuits de Duvalier
Rien n'arrete nos espirits
Guns can't kill what soldiers can't see

In the forest we are hiding
Unmarked graves where flowers grow
Hear the soldiers angry yelling
In the river we will go

Tous les morts-nes forment une armee
Soon we will reclaim the earth
All the tears and all the bodies
Bring about our second birth

Haiti, never free
N'aie pas peur de sonner l'alarme
Tes enfants sont partis
In those days their blood was still warm

(Translation:  Haiti, my country, wounded mother I'll never see. My family set me free. Throw my ashes into the sea. My cousins, never born, haunt the nights of Duvalier. Nothing stops our spirits. Guns can't kill what soldiers can' t see. In the forest we are hiding, unmarked graves where flowers grow. Hear the soldiers angry yelling, in the river we will go. All the still-born children form an army, soon we will reclaim the earth. All the tears and all the bodies bring about our second birth.Haiti, never free, don't be afraid to sound the alarm your children are gone in those days their blood was still warm.)

Jan 12, 2010 brought intense pain and sorrow to a country that I couldn't have imagined taking on any more suffering. The massive earthquake on that day brought Haiti to the surface of attention. A country that many people couldn't have placed on a map, people and a culture that aren't thought about on a daily basis, devastation that many can't even begin to comprehend, including those that were affected and appear to be so resilient...Haiti has been on my mind for years now, studying and working in public health. I have had many missed opportunities to visit this country, but hope at some point I will make my trip to Haiti. In the meantime, Haiti is on my mind. Especially lately though. Throughout November and December, I was back in Washington, D.C., working for my old boss at WHO/PAHO. For four weeks the only thing that was on my mind was cholera and Haiti. The devastation in this country just doesn't end and I don't think anyone can wrap their mind around the extent of pain and suffering. As I sat through all these meetings with top officials, including world-renowned Epidemiologists, Doctors, Politicians, etc, I have never felt so sad. Studying Haiti and all their problems, I have always had a glimpse of hope for their future. Sadly, I don't feel that right now...gut-wrenching image after image break my heart and make me lose my sense of hope that I try to maintain when I think of those that are there. I think of the pain and suffering that has been endured, throughout past generations and that will be endured for generations to come.

You take 2010 alone, this country has suffered one of the most devastating earthquakes our earth has seen (in the sense of impact on human beings), one that killed more than 300,000 humans and displaced around 1.5 million, most of which will never rebuild their homes or lives and will be in long term camps for internally displaced populations. This country has more recently faced extreme flooding during the 2010 hurricane season, specifically with Hurricane Tomas, which hit in November. This is a country that so gratefully had not been exposed to Cholera for more than 100 years, but within the last few months has been introduced to the bacteria, creating an outbreak that has devastated countless...numbers aren't even accurate at this point, as there is no effective surveillance system set in place.

Hasn’t this country suffered enough? Unfortunately not. The entire infrastructure is a disaster in Haiti, which means this country is far from seeing the end of its own misery. As long as there is a corrupt system in place...as long as there is no infrastructure...as long as people, particularly those in power, are only in it for themselves and not for the well-being of the Haitians...this country will continue to be a disaster. How do you fix a country that is so messed up? How do you solve all of the issues? There are SO many layers to even the most basic of issues. Mass education and a shift in politics, with a little top soil would do wonders for this country...but again, so many layers...where do you even begin to try and fix even those three problems?

Just thoughts on my mind...I wish I had the answers. I wish I could do more to help. I wish people that don't belong there would stay out and not use up the resources that are needed for those in need. Haiti is on my mind, especially today...the first anniversary of the earthquake.

Grandma "Weez" & Grandpa Clyde

What a week! It's so difficult to watch your loved ones age. Living with Grandma and Grandpa has a lot of pros, but there are definitely a few cons! One of the things I have loved the most about living here, is that Grandma is always good at making me laugh! I can be exhausted or in the worst mood and she can always get me laughing pretty hard! I love Grandpa's sweet humor. He makes simple little jokes and laughs at himself, while everyone else is still trying to figure out what he said. I love it and I love his smile; it makes me happy...they make me happy, these little things, like down to the soul type of happy. This however, creates the negative part of living here - watching them get old and seeing their health steadily digress. It hurts to watch that and sometimes can be so emotional, ESPECIALLY the past month or two, with Grandpa. I don't expect him to live much longer and watching him gasp for a breath whenever he tries to say something is so difficult.

Last April was one of those overwhelming emotional times of living with them. Grandma was admitted to the hospital, after I took her to the ER. She had her gallbladder removed and finally recovered, while maintaining her spit-fire attitude. Now I watch on a daily basis, both of my grandparents steadily growing older. I know they are ready to die; Grandma tells me every single day. This thought makes me sad, but sometimes happy. I think about how happy it would make them to be out of their pain. The hardest part about watching all of this, is to see how frustrated they get about the challenges of aging. Grandma thinks she is lazy and has a hard time with the fact that she can't get up and do everything she wants to, everything that makes her happy. Grandpa never seems to openly express the frustrations like Grandma does, but I am sure he gets frustrated that he can't see very well...or that he can't hear (at all...tv is full blast and I can hear it when I pull into the driveway sometimes). 

These are the thoughts that make me sad...so let's leave those for a bit and focus on the rest of the beautiful things about getting to live with your 88-year-old grandparents. I love my grandparents and I love how proud they are of me and that they express it on a daily basis (yes, it gets old, but is still so sweet of them to say how they feel, every day). I love making my grandma's day, because she gets so happy to see visitors. I love hearing how much Grandma appreciates my mom (among a couple of her siblings) coming on a weekly basis to help them - this is something I love, because I really appreciate my mom and always am happy to hear how much my grandparent's do, too (even if Grandma jokes about it fulfilling their 'children duties'). Above all, I LOVE watching the love my grandparents have for each other. It honestly brings a tear to my eye. Never have I seen two people bicker more than the two of them, but in such a lovingly way...and never have I seen two people so perfectly in love and so content to just sit and enjoy each others company. I will find them in the summertime sitting on the back patio, just sitting there. Sometimes they will be talking, other times just holding hands and watching the sunset. It's beautiful.

While Grandma was in the hospital this last spring, she would call Grandpa (and yes, I would eavesdrop on their calls...I know, I am a horrible human being, but I am so glad I did it) and beg him to come to the hospital and pick her up so she didn't have to be in that miserable place any longer (this was after about 4-6 days of being there). She would threaten that if he didn't come get her, she was going to call a taxi to get her out of that "damned place". They would both laugh and then her laugh would turn into sobs. Grandpa would comfort her over the phone, telling her how much he loved her and how he wished he could come sit with her and hold her hand. He would then tell her to remember all the good times they have had together and to think about their wonderful children. It was the most precious conversation.

Sigh. I know it's life. I know they are OKAY with dying. But why does it have to be so hard for those of us that will be left behind. The thought of losing them is hard, but it is even harder to watch Grandpa with the way he is now. It makes me so heartbroken and sad. I don't like it, not one little bit!

"If we amplify everything, we hear nothing."

I realize that Jon Stewart is a comedian, which I think many have forgotten this last week, as attention was focused on Washington, D.C. and the Rally to Restore Sanity. I heard a lot of complaints from friends that attended, hoping for this so-called rally, to be some sort of organized political event. You put Stewart and Colbert together though, you get something fun...it was not intended to be a rally towards anything. I really appreciate the idea of the rally, even if it was more or less, ineffective. It grabbed at people's attention and hopefully made people think about how ridiculous some of these crazy extremists are. 

Anyway, I wanted to post this, because I personally really appreciate what was said and strongly agree with a lot of what Steward is getting at in this clip. He's got some really great thoughts in here! Let's see a little more love, people!

"This was not a rally to ridicule people of faith. Or people of activism or to look down our noses at the heartland, or passionate argument or to suggest that times are not difficult and that we have nothing to fear. They are and we do. But we live now in hard times, not end times. And we can have animus and not be enemies."

Rally to Restore Sanity and/or Fear
Jon Stewart - Moment of Sincerity
www.comedycentral.com
Rally to Restore Sainty and/or Fear The Daily Show The Colbert Report